The Jellie, a cruising yawler named that way because of the way it sails, docks into Snooty-Haughty-Englishman-Harbour in the English Channel, filled with English Tea. On board are some sailors. There is: the accountant, the brickmaker, the captain, the man-who-smells-like-cabbage, the pimp, the whore, the boy, the boy-who-thinks-he-is-a-pimp-but-is-quite-wrong-because-it-exists-only-in- his-head-due-to-the-fact-he-is-a-romantic, and lastly, Charlie Brainlow. The man is squatting near the mast of the ship. Some sailors say he is meditating, others say he's taking a dump, some even say he's acting sick because he doesn't want to do work.

Well, the accountant goes over to Brainlow and asks him what he is doing. Brainlow says he was thinking about a time when men ruled over the planet, and he laments on how times have changed since apes took over the world. The accountant thinks Brainlow is a few sails short of a sailboat and sends him to the captain. The Captain, having finished some gin and vermouth, was in a little bit of a tipsy mood and was delighted to hear what Brainlow had to say.

Brainlow said to the captain, "Before apes took over the planet and before I was commissioned to this ship, I made speeches that went on and on for no reason at all, just to make myself heard. I would talk about love, lust, tragedy, hopelessness, the fact that the ship has no bathroom, and how people are cruel to one another. My speeches meant nothing, but some friends urged me to write them down in books because scholars like books that have big long speeches they can analyze and give schools to teach from."

The captain started to fall asleep, but Brainlow continued his moronic story.

"Anyway, after being heralded a genius for talking about how hopeless life is, I was commissioned by a manager (a manager of what I'm not sure, but a manager nonetheless). He told me there was a man who was just as F!@#$% as I was, although this man was truly insane. He said the man's name was Captain Klutz. Klutz was sent to Congo to efficiently kill all the natives, steal all the ivory, and set up mini-malls with many Starbucks in them. However, the manager said Klutz went insane.

"Now here's the scary part: the manager said Klutz befriended the natives, taught them how to live democratically, and now lives among them, caring and sharing in the ways of the tribe. Obviously the man had to be insane. No white man in his right mind should befriend anyone who lives off the land and refuses to be part of the civilized world.

"Reluctantly, I took the manager's wish, which was to venture into the immense Brain Of Ignorance, (no not Texas, although that comes close) the Congo country. I took along with me a few people to keep company."

The captain sighed. Brainlow was taking a long time to get to the point of his story. Nevertheless, Brainlow continued..."My company consisted of a few men. There was the heldsman, who held the men...slightly gay. There was the obligatory-black-guy, who came along to have the prestigious honor of being the first to die. Also on board was a stoned-out hippie who wanted some "mad weed" from the Indians.

"We started at daybreak on our trek. After the heldsman copped a feel of me, he steered the ship onward. It was during my long stretch onboard the ship that I began to think about life...aided by the special herbs of my stoned-out hippie friend. As I watched the endless shores going on reaching an end of some sort, I thought this to myself: we live as we dream - with no pants on, watching giraffes on subways.

"Suddenly, I realized we were being attacked. The obligatory black screamed, 'Yo white guys, duck!' and he died. I never met such a man who had such courage. It turns out we were nearing the savage outer campment. It had been taken over by cannibals. They leaped aboard our ship and began to take us hostage. They didn't like fruit, so the heldsman was spared. They started to nibble on my elbow, and quickly I shouted, 'Please cannibals! Lead me to Klutz and I shall let you feast on the tenderest meat: Boy Bands.' Thinking of devouring the fresh faced kids from NSYNC and Backstreet Boys was too good to resist.

"The cannibals led me to Klutz's inner camp. On the outside was another hippie. I called him, hippie-guy-bearing-resemblance-to-Jerry-Garcia-and-Arturo-Sandoval. I don't know how I got that impression, but the drugs I encountered may have altered me.

"We approached the inner camp of Klutz. A gathering of cannibals was in the center of his hut dancing around a campfire chanting something nonsensical: 'No need for weapons, let women run the world, bring peace to all mankind.' Something was definitely not right. These insane ideas were almost too much for me to handle. I had to find Klutz and make him come away from these wacko ideas and so I...hey...are you paying attention to me?"

The captain had nodded off. It was nearly nighttime, and he was tired from all the drinking and navigating he had to do. Brainlow was disgusted by the fact the captain had fallen asleep. Everyone knows that if a raving lunatic starts talking he has something important to say! So Brainlow left the captain and journeyed back onto the main deck to look for the whore. She was the only one who seemed slightly smarter than the rest. "Need some company?" she asked. "No, I want to finish my story," Brainlow said. "Oh, you're one of those guys..." the hooker sighed. She put away her kinky items and decided to charge Brainlow a few bucks to hear his story, since he'd probably get more enjoyment from attention to his story than sex anyway. Having found someone to talk to, Brainlow continued...

"I found Klutz on a stretcher, in a hut. He was run over by a tree, I know that sounds dumb, but he is called Klutz. He had a stack of encyclopedias and a Macintosh computer...A MACINTOSH COMPUTER!!! THE MAN WAS NUTS! 'Hello good sir, how fare thee?' Klutz sat up in his stretcher and looked at me. I spoke sadly, 'I'm okay, but you're nuts.' Klutz looked at me silly. 'I'm nuts? Pray tell me how this happened.' So I told Klutz why he was nuts.

"'You live with these natives of the land who have not seen the wonders of civilization, cheese whiz, bongs, and inflatable furniture' -Klutz interrupting, 'Well actually these natives have been exposed to hallucinogenic drugs thanks to that hippie.' 'Let me finish,' I shouted. 'You are not meant to understand people. You are European, you are meant to go places and claim them for yourself and slaughter the locals while taking their children as slaves! What is the matter with you? Don't you have any sense of pride?!'

"Klutz was puzzled by my speech and I knew he had lost it. Klutz was indeed insane. I could no longer stay in his hut. I ventured outside, watching the two hippies float by. Oh...and yes, the heldsman was killed and a few others...but that's not important. Anyway, I discovered what happened to all the ivory Klutz supposedly had. It turns out he put the ivory on these large animals called elephants. I don't know how he got it on them, but it's stuck there good. It reminds me of the time, I was playing piano and someone said Merchant/Ivory and I'm like no, Strauss...

"Where was I? Oh yes, I sat up all night thinking of ways to convince Klutz to come back to the civilized world. Finally I decided the best way, would be for him to watch the greatest invention to grace the Earth...television. That was the only way to convince him.

"The next morning, I couldn't find the hippies. I figured they were stoned or dead...oh well. I got back to my boat and took the television that was on it. Then I ventured back into Klutz's hut. He was playing a game of chess with a native. 'I do believe it is checkmate, Hendrix.' The native was surprised, but accepted defeat. I told Klutz about the wonderful invention I had brought with me.

"I took out a wireless power pack and hooked up the TV to it. The screen flickered and images appeared. Klutz stared puzzled. Then the TV began to talk, 'Next up on the WB, another Wayans Brothers show, now featuring the fifteenth Wayans Brother!'

"Klutz was bored, surprisingly. I wondered how long his insanity would last. I changed the channel and the TV spoke again, 'And now for Survivor, the show where people are locked in a room with Carrot Top and the first person not to blow their brains out wins a million dollars.' Klutz wheezed. I changed the station and found an episode of Pokemon. Suddenly, Klutz went into seizures. 'Oh what foul demon box is this?' Klutz laid dying, and I was helpless to stop it. As he gasped his last few words he mumbled something I couldn't hear...The horrr....or? I asked him, 'Why did you say?' He turned to me and spoke in a loud whisper, 'Get off my foot, dumbass!' Then he died. I was sad. He died never knowing the great things on Earth, like Playboy and mud wrestling. I looked at his counters looking for something to steal...he was dead, he wouldn't mind.

"I found a letter to someone named 'Intended.' I'm not sure what Klutz was intending to do, but this girl was known by 'Intended,' which was a pretty dumb name for a broad. After I attended the funeral services of the cannibals, I ventured off to meet this intended woman, because maybe she was hot. I found her back in England, in her apartment where she was patiently awaiting the arrival of her husband. She asked me, 'When is my husband coming back?' and I said, 'He is dead.' She was upset and asked what his last words were. I thought and thought and I couldn't think of anything so I just said, 'I dunno, something about intending to do something.' She cried. I guess she loved his crazy ideas."

"Beautiful story," the hooker said sarcastically. Brainlow sighed and asked if she would like to hear the meaning of life. Without saying anything, Brainlow began...

"The meaning of life is nothing, and that is everything, for if you want to find a yes, you find it...no...you will not find the yes...for it can only be found in the no, the well of thought, that yes can give, only then can you truly understand not why you are... but yes and no of how you existed in the first place."

The hooker was extremely bored at this point and left to go party with some snooty Englishmen. Brainlow went to the edge of the boat and looked out, thinking about how close Klutz came to changing the world into an insane world of equal rights and morals.

Shots were heard in the distance. They came from across the English Channel and across the Atlantic Ocean. In fact it came deep in the heart of the midwest of America. A hick was showing his three little inbred children how to shoot off three pistols at once. This was important because he "needed" those guns. He needs them to defend himself just in case the government gets "uppity." He didn't like them Democrats with their fancy ideas of giving everyone benefits of society and "edumacation" or whatever them easterners called it. He loaded his pistols with more bullets, and on his hand was a nerve, and that nerve traveled deep through an ocean of stupid blood and up a dismal spine to an immense brain of ignorance.